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35

In many ways, turning 35 feels no different than turning 34 1/2 or 34 (FoRKed) or 33 or 32 or 31 or 30 or 29... In some ways time moves so slowly as to be imperceptible from day to day. It was Cesare Pavese who once said,

We do not remember days, we remember moments.

I began today with two fortune cookies. One said,

Wisdom is only found in truth.

and the other said,

Nature, time, and patience are three great physicians.

As I sit here passing the hill that puts me closer to 40 than 30, closer to 50 than 20, closer to 60 than 10, closer to 70 than oblivion, I'm overwhelmmed with the desire to take inventory. (I know that not every noun can be verbed, but I'm going to verb a lot of nouns anyway... :)

Things I do in 2004 that I didn't do in 1969:

I listen.
I talk.
I read.
I walk.
I phone.
I watch.
I observe.

Things I do in 2004 that I didn't do in 1974:

I think.
I type.

Things I do in 2004 that I didn't do in 1979:

I use a computer.
I chat in chat rooms.

Things I do in 2004 that I didn't do in 1984:

I have the Internet in my computer.
I email.
I listen to CDs.

Things I do in 2004 that I didn't do in 1989:

I web browse.
I web author.
I live in California.

Things I do in 2004 that I didn't do in 1994:

I instant message.
I develop open source.
I wiki.
I use XML.
I watch DVDs.
I rip CDs.
I linux.
I apache.
I mozilla.
I google.
I yahoo.
I ebay.
I amazon.
I amazon affiliate.
I motley fool.

Things I do in 2004 that I didn't do in 1999:

I cellphone.
I tivo.
I blog.
I use RSS.
I mod-pubsub.
I knownow.
I creative commons.
I bittorrent.
I edonkey.
I napster.
I itunes.
I winamp.
I musicmatch.
I hotornot.
I nutch.
I googlenews.
I gmail.
I typepad.
I movable type.
I livejournal.
I sourceforge.
I hdtv.
I voip.
I skype.
I sxip.
I flickr.
I linkedin.
I friendster.
I orkut.
I del.icio.us.

I'm not sure what conclusion to draw from that inventory, but that seems common to people my age; in my Web 2.0 summary I noted James Currier of Tickle talking about consumer motivation:

At 25, it's competition. At 35, it's understanding who we are and where we fit in. At 51, it's affirmation of the choices we have made.

I don't know that I was a competitive person at 25, but I do know that at 35 all the questions of who I am and where I fit in have come to the surface. I am not my résumé. I am not the sum of all the wonderful communities of which I am a member. I am not anything I am able to define. Instead,

I am a soul searching for the right way.

That may seem too gossamer a goal to be achievable, but paradise doesn't have to be some far off unachievable place. I believe it was Jorge Luis Borges who said,

I have always imagined paradise to be a kind of library.

The Internet is a kind of library but it's nothing close to paradise. Perhaps it will come to resemble paradise more as every individual personal web becomes more deeply intertwingled into continuous, interconnected consciousness. Time will tell.

For now, I resolve to wake up everyday and make a concerted effort to find my voice and to become a stronger leader, for

Leadership is communicating to people their worth and potential so clearly that they come to see it in themselves.

I'll close this post and get on with my day and my life with a poem from my friend Kat:

What I Want for My Birthday   10/2000

I get asked year after year what I want for my birthday
My answer is typically a very light-hearted "nothing"
This year I want something
Many things
Hundreds of things
None of them material

I want to no longer be called a bitch when I stand up for my beliefs
I want to no longer be criticized by my "friends" when I don't back down
I want to have the happiness I feel be reinstated through verbs and nouns
I want to laugh till it hurts
I want to cry till I'm dry
I want to feel the rain hit my face and wash away the pain
I want to no longer be called jealous when I'm just being protective
I want to no longer be second guessed
I want to no longer feel like i'm always wrong
I want to never have anyone tell me they hate me
I want to have challenges and obstacles
I want to be admired for my chip on my my shoulder
I want to know what a chip on a shoulder is

I want to learn more about others and relate it to myself
I want to hear children laughing and see people caring
I want to never have to hit another human being again
I want to never be pushed that far
I want to not have this anger raging inside of me
I want to heal and stop internalizing my anger
I want to no longer be pushed that far
I want to stop feeling for one day to really know what logic is
I want to stop thinking for one day to really know what caring is
I want to no longer think that I'm dysfunctional and wrong
I want to no longer allow myself to feel wrong all the time
I want to know when I'm being a good person
I want to be thanked for being a good person
I want to have someone listen to me ramble my random thoughts
when they occur
when they are circular
when they move diagonal
sideways
backwards
out of order
and invert
and come back to the beginning

I want to be pushed farther and excel
I want to be able to implement every gift I've taken, been given, and learned
I want to visit my old friends and see what their lives have given them
I want to never be left alone
I want to have that
and this
and those
and them
I want to know that I can turn to someone when I need them
I want to know that they are there for me
I want to no longer be deceived
I want to never have a breakdown again
I want to never become a machine
I want to never live an automatic life
I want to never have to rely on money for happiness
I want to challenge the system I work inside of
I want to experience real love
I want to know what a relationship should be
I want a hand to hold when I'm weak
I want to just let go and let people in
I want to fall apart and start over
I want to never be taken advantage of again
I want to never be a doormat to anyone or anything that thinks they can overrule me
I want to never be a politician
I never want to be president
I want to play guitar like a motherfucker
I want to sing till my throat cracks and my voice falters
I want to write like a poet and live like a suicide
I want all these things
I want to be taken seriously
I want to be allowed to be weak and a child
I want to be hugged
I want to be told that I am missed
I want to be told that I am loved
I want to know what love is
I want to know what abuse is
I want to see what friendships are like with others
I want to know when I'm being talked about
I want to know when I'm being annoying
I want to know when other are insecure with me
I want to see what my insides look like
I want to know how black my lungs are and if they match my heart
I want to tell others to go fuck themselves
I want to tell friends that I love them
I want to be happy
and sad
and confused
I want to be able to play with my cats all day long
I want to travel far away and be anonymous for a week
I want to not be attached to the technology that drives us
i want to never lose another close friend
I want to not be tested and have mind games played on me
I want honesty
I want truth
I want passion
I want excitement
I want safety
I want security
I want new socks
I want old friends
I want someone who will let me talk and talk and talk
I want support
I want a shoulder to cry on
I want someone to hug me when I'm down
I want someone to shake me when I'm being irrational
I want a new life
I want more time
I want to have a three day weekend
I want to have a month off from work
I want to improve society
I want to improve myself
I want to revel in my outrage and anger
I want to be seen as a powerful woman
I want to be admired for being so angry
I want to laugh till it hurts
I want to cry till I'm dry
I want to hold someone so tight that their heart beats on my chest
I want to leave everyone I know behind
I want to hold onto everyone I love

These are the things I want
These are the things I don't want for my birthday

And now, for the first day of the rest of my life...

Update, 11:59pm. I have supplemented this post with a FoRK post as well; the FoRK post's content remixes the content contained within this post with some content I've written in earlier typepad posts, plus some content other people have written. Which begs the question, why write a remix of this post? Because, at least for the unbearable lightness of time being now, my double life of both blogging and posting to community mailing lists continues... although in the long run, because time is the only currency, something eventually will give. But for now -- at least for the next minute -- my entire universe is in balance, and it fills me with the kind of inner peace, love, and happiness that I would love to carry with me until time has completely lost its meaning.

Update, 11:59:59pm. My winamp player switches from Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli's "Time to Say Goodbye"

When I'm alone I dream of the horizon and words fail me.
There is no light in a room where there is no sun
and there is no sun if you're not here with me, with me.
From every window unfurls my heart the heart that you have won.
Into me you've poured the light,
the light that you found by the side of the road.

to Mary Chapin-Carpenter's "I Take My Chances"

I took a walk in the rain one day on the wrong side of the tracks
I stood on the rails till I saw that train
Just to see how my heart would react
Now some people say that you shouldn't tempt fate
And for them I would not disagree
But I never learned nothing from playing it safe
I say fate should not tempt me

I take my chances, I don't mind working without a net
I take my chances, I take my chances every chance I get

I sat alone in the dark one night, tuning in by remote
I found a preacher who spoke of the light but there was brimstone in his throat
He'd show me the way according to him in return for my personal check
I flipped my channel back to CNN and I lit another cigarette

I take my chances, forgiveness doesn't come with a debt
I take my chances, I take my chances every chance I get

I've crossed lines of words and wire and both have cut me deep
I've been frozen out and I've been on fire and the tears are mine to weep
Now I can cry until I laugh and laugh until I cry
So cut the deck right in half, I'll play from either side

I take my chances, I pay my dollar and I place my bet
I take my chances, I take my chances every chance I get
I take my chances, I don't cling to remorse or regret
I take my chances, I take my chances every chance I get
I take my chances

I take my chances...

December 09, 2004 at 04:20 AM in Dear Diary, Heather Once Told Me She Teaches People Real Life |

Comments

swimdad

Thanks for reminding me that I've got about 12 good years left, followed by maybe 20 more of increasing physical pain, immobility, and dementia.

swimdad, almost 55

Posted by: swimdad | December 10, 2004 at 06:53 AM

Matt Haughey

Happy (belated) Birthday!

Posted by: Matt Haughey | December 12, 2004 at 11:24 PM

The comments to this entry are closed.

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